1. “I breast fed little Johnny for one year exclusively” said smuggly with raised chin and eyebrow while they stare back at you in judgy manner as you’ve just told them your breast feeding struggles. Yes I guess I could have chosen the starvation diet over formula.
2. After you share traumatic story of your breast feeding struggles they ask “are you sure you really tried? it worked for me” No, annoying mom I just poured my heart out to you so that you could judge me and remind me of your milk producing superiority over me.
3. “Oh I just don’t know how I’m going to survive without seeing little Johnny for a whole day” You were a person before you were a mommy. Go yonder and find yourself a hobby.
4. Skinny mommy: “oh I really didn’t have time to exercise, I just breast fed and ran after little Johnny all day long and the pounds melted off” Skinny mommy we all know you subsisted on kale and worked out 2 hours a day while your nanny took over.
5. “Little Johnny is really advanced for his age, I really want to make sure we send him to a pre school that will really challenge him” Yes there are definitely schools that offer advanced placement in the esteemed subjects of watercolor painting and pasting macaroni on cardboard.
6. “Oh I never let little Johnny watch tv or his ipad.” Yes and we all know what a little weirdo he’s going to grow up to be.
7. After explaining that your obgyn advised a scheduled c section, “Well couldn’t you just let the baby decide when it wants to be born and go into labor naturally” Sure let me wait to hear back from baby re her availability and just go into a medieval potential life and death situation against doctor’s orders so that I don’t inconvenience her.
8. After little Johnny throws a hard object at you or kicks you in the shin, “Hehe little Johnny is so cute isn’t he?” Yes don’t correct his bullying behavior or teach him basic manners and he might just grow up to be the president of our nation.
9. “Little Johnny gets sick often so I need to keep putting hand sanitizer on him to prevent infections” yes that one block walk from one home to another home really necessitates the use of hand sanitizer in case he might have been infected by a deadly virus indigenous to woollen mittens.
10. “I never give little Johnny packaged baby food, I make mine from scratch” thats quite a remarkable feat and please note I stand in solidarity with all underachieving occasional Gerber baby food giving mommies as I say…oh just shut up super mommy.